5 Steps Towards Emotional Resilience

8th July 2016

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Emotional intelligence has been quite a popular topic across the coaching and L&D world in the past few years thanks to the incredible work of Daniel Goleman. I often hear people say that they went on an EQ training and it taught them a lot about the brain, an amygdala hijack and the science behind it but at the end of the day they just want to be more emotionally resilient and to be able to deal with tough situations better.

Being human is all about recognising that we have heads and hearts and multiple intelligences. If we operated entirely in a mind space we would be all over the place or rigid and robotic. However we inhabit bodies and so that means we have physiological and emotional responses to everything. In our heads we have control, we can write lists, plan, project manage, create those spreadsheets.........but in our hearts it's a different game and it's no longer a game of control and conquer.

I've coached a number of people who shared that in the early stages of their lives they operated successfully in a headspace but then something happened - either a major life event, a job loss or a massive change that catapulted them into their feelings. This can be a major adjustment for the human psyche and really quite scary for some. So it's fair to say that some of us have known the emotional realm all of our lives and some of us have to learn to connect, accept and allow ourselves to feel.

For most people the work is fairly straightforward. It's a case of learning to work with using their body to identify and be with their feelings rather than rejecting them. Our bodies are highly sensitive instruments and all we need to do is learn to use them to access and express more of who we are. There are various techniques shared through the coaching experience that support people to access natural human emotions such as frustration, anger, sadness and hopefully joy and happiness. However some people really struggle to be with other people when they are triggered big time! If you find yourself ready to run when someone gets angry, frozen with fear when you receive feedback or just collapsing into momentary self-doubt each time strong emotions are expressed then you probably need to do some deeper work. It doesn't mean years of psychotherapy but in those instances there has usually been a tough life experience that is behind their sudden loss in confidence or struggle to be with strong emotions.

What we all want is to be physically healthy and emotionally resilient and I guess what that means to me is a person who isn't ashamed of being human and is able to be with their own emotion and the emotion of others without judgement.

Here are some useful first steps towards emotional resilience:

1. Check in with yourself and increase your self-awareness on a regular basis. It sounds ridiculous but knowing oneself is key - especially knowing situations where your emotions easily get triggered and your own patterns.
2. Accept your human side - When you find yourself angry, upset, frustrated or having a messy moment - learn to be your own parent. Ask yourself - what do I need? Emotions only get worse if they are unacknowledged or suppressed.....so better to learn to be kind to them.
3. Give yourself permission to be upset - maybe for an appropriate period of time. Take a walk, have a rant to a trusted friend or colleague. Let it out and the secret is.......without judging or rejecting yourself. Remind yourself - I'm human and I'm allowed to feel this way.
4. When someone else is expressing high levels of emotion. Stay calm and inwardly accept them, give them some space to talk and then genuinely acknowledge how they feel. You can follow that by asking them a question to demonstrate that you want to understand more. Emotions are messengers and often are there to show us that our needs are not being met or someone has crossed the line of our values. Customers usually express anger because they don't feel valued and i've witnessed many an angry customer turn around on the basis that they were met with genuine care and humanity in a difficult moment.
5. Suspend your ego - You may be right, you may know better, they may be totally out of line but in that moment it's not about you - it's about them. Emotionally resilient people understand that the name of the game is to keep the channels of communication open and the worst thing you can do is get caught in the trap of making the other person wrong. Curiosity is a wonderful thing - it's the art of showing genuine interest in someone's experience without judging it and then once you've listened at the right time you will get your moment to explain your perspective. Remember if you engage in 'making them wrong' - what's going to happen is they are going to become more heavily defended and typically with human beings defence leads to the next attack......but if you're not reacting, judging or rejecting them hopefully there will be no need to put up further defences.

I am passionate about supporting people to improve their emotional resilience and to be more comfortable in their humanity. As Goleman says - a leaders emotions are like electricity that flows through the veins of an organisation and have a major impact on the wellbeing of the employees. I certainly have seen many examples of leaders with low EQ who have been at the helm of dysfunctional organisations and I would love to see organisations evolve into places where people love to be together and operate more as communities with purpose.

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