Are you Connecting or Disconnecting?

Thoughts on Social Isolation

26th July 2016

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Last month the office of national statistics shared that Britain is the loneliness capital of Europe. It also said that we are less likely to have strong friendships or know our neighbours than residents anywhere else in the EU and many of us have nobody to reach out to in a crisis. I think the assumption I would make reading these figures is that they are speaking to the older generation in our society however the shocking truth is that there is an epidemic among young adults. In 2010 the Mental Health Foundation found loneliness to be a greater concern among young people than the elderly. The 18-34 years olds surveyed were more likely to feel lonely and often to worry about feeling alone and depressed due to loneliness than the over 55’s.

I think a good question to ask oneself is – am I connecting or disconnecting? The answer will probably be both. When we are connecting we are walking and moving around with our eyes and hearts open and taking in every interaction or in other words we are present for most of the moment of engagement throughout the day. An easy way to think about it is when you are at the checkout doing your weekly shopping – are you with the person who is kindly checking through your shopping or are you on your phone, disengaging and checking out yourself.

We all do it. Perhaps because life is so busy, overwhelming and there’s a lot to take in and process. However the key thing to notice is how frequently are you checking out. Checking out feels like you are physically present but mentally elsewhere. You might be with your emails, thinking ahead or simply in the zone of numbing out from what is right in front of you. As we know technology can encourage that – it’s now so easy to just withdraw our attention from people and connect with the safer option of a handheld device and an interaction that doesn’t involve much intimacy. One image that comes to mind is when I was walking in shopping center recently overseas and they had glass booths for smokers. I noticed a young mother in the booth whilst smoking in panic and looking at her phone. Her child was in a buggy just outside the booth crying and she was inside the booth totally checking out from his tears. Something like that is easy to judge however it serves as a kind of metaphor for how we use addictive patterns of behavior to take us away from our daily stress and fears of intimacy and connection.

We all need people with whom we can express ourselves freely and without judgement. We all need to feel safe with intimate conversations and moments where we bare our souls and we are met and seen. This is a rare experience though and many do not know how to find that safety and for me this is where therapy comes in. When you feel so scared of being close to people or loneliness seems to haunt you then maybe it’s time to explore what it is that you are checking out from and to explore what you need in order to start to take small steps to re-connect again with people in your family or community.

If a person has been disconnecting for a long period of time this can be quite a scary thing however it is also a huge relief to really break through those fears and start to allow small moments of connection to happen again. I think this can happen at any age and I think we all have a responsibility to reach out to those in our world who may be sliding down the slippery slope of disconnection and give them a hand to hold and the feeling that they are loved and cared for. Studies show that if we have good quality relationships in our early lives then later in life we are less likely to feel isolated. People are capable of building huge walls around themselves if they have been hurt and defenses that prevent people from getting close to them. This relational pattern is one that can be explored in therapy and worked with so that relationship becomes possible once again. We all deserve human contact and we all need it like we need water and food.

Counselling can bring a person back into connection and therefore it can save lives.

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