Inside Out Coaching

Do you need to grow up or down?

8th July 2016

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Most of us... myself included are on an ego-driven mission in this world. The part of us that strives for success, recognition, abundance and achievement is in the driving seat and tenaciously pushes to get to that next milestone, promotion or position. I think for many of us in the corporate world that serves us and some spend their entire lives climbing that ladder and ticking those boxes. Having a strong ego is considered by many schools of psychology as a good thing and I agree that without it it could be tough to exist in our society as we know it and definitely in the corporate world. And if it ain't broken why try and change it?

It's also true that there's more to human beings than the needs and desires of our egos. We have depth of character, emotional needs and soulful yearnings otherwise why would we feel the need to listen to music, lose ourselves in creative outlets or immerse ourselves in the natural world? Our potential is so much more than a role, status and recognition. As Maslow put it - the goal is to 'actualise' our potential and to genuinely feel content with who we are not just externally but also internally.

I was interested to read an article this week about Executives practicing Mindfulness meditation techniques and how for many of them it had been transformative. Some reported mental clarity like they had never experienced before, others felt they were making sharper decisions, sleeping better and generally feeling more alert and alive. However the article also spoke about the 'shock to the system' for some when turning inside and really facing their innermost thoughts and feelings about themselves and their lives. At worst they found a well of anxiety, fear and self-hatred rooted in childhood traumas and repressed emotions.

So my question - do you need to grow up or down is a serious thing to consider. You may be an adult physically - but have you actually grown up inside? My experience as a coach is that many people don't reach true adulthood until well into their 40's or maybe even later. So how do you know if there's still some growing up to do? There are many signs and here are some common ones to look out for:

1. You get emotionally triggered easily - and react to things in a disproportionate way i.e. Your boss points out something you could have done better and you find yourself in a well of self-criticism and judgement. It may take you quite a while to get over it and often this is rooted in a childhood experience.
2. You sulk with people and cut them off - It could be that you get some feedback during a project or you experience a sense of betrayal by a colleague and quite unconsciously your way of dealing with your feelings is to withdraw and ignore them. It could be that you are trying to punish others in some way or that you are simply too uncomfortable to face them and confront the situation.
3. You can't handle not getting your own way - Your ego knows what it wants and gets what it wants at any cost. It may have served you for many years but actually as a consequence you are quite separate and cut off from forming close friendships around you. The blueprint for this may have started very young.
4. You feel empty and unfulfilled inside even though you've got everything you ever dreamed of. So this may be a sign that a different kind of 'growing up' is needed. This could be a life out of balance or a person that is searching for some sense of meaning and purpose other than paying the mortgage and supporting family. Both of those things are worthy causes don't get me wrong but when a person has achieved their goals and often at a point in midlife they may suddenly wake up one day and think - there's something more I need in my life or I'd like to give something back to the world while i'm here.
5. You are just so cynical inside - You notice that in every conversation at work or at home your every response is sarcastic or cynical and you've really lost yourself somewhere along the way and you don't like the person you've become. Maybe the only way to escape is to numb out over a few beers or a bottle of wine. You may notice that you don't like the aggressive way you treat people but you don't know how to change. Often this is some old unexpressed anger surfacing. Sometimes this can result in a crisis of some kind or life will throw you a sudden curveball that causes all the emotions to the surface to be addressed. Facing is a necessary part of individuating (as Jung called it) or transitioning into the next phase of life.

So what is growing down all about? Growing down is necessary for people who are either in their heads a lot due to doing a very logical analytical job or those who may be avoiding their feelings by keeping very very busy! Here's some common things to look out for:

1. You don't know how you feel - When someone asks you it may take you time to reflect on and identify what it is you actually feel. Some may find this hard to believe but it is actually a very real experience for about 50% of the population. Growing down for this person may involve consciously connecting more with their embodied responses to people and situations, their breathing and their heart.
2. You feel everything - This could be either psychically, emotionally or physically. You may consider yourself an 'empath' someone who cannot stop themselves from attuning to the moods, emotions and atmosphere's around you. It could be that you get totally drained by crowds of people, shopping centres etc. Growing down for this person may require grounding their experiences, using their body as a resource to protect themselves and learning to have stronger boundaries in relationships i.e. learning to 'say no' and being assertive etc.
3. You have successfully avoided for years. You could be the life and soul of the party - but in your private moments you feel empty and sad. You may have it all going on - great life, great family, amazing friends, great health, comfortably off etc........but you never stop. If you find yourself addicted in any way it could be that you are by-passing some difficult feelings and that at some point in your life they will need your attention. Growing down for this person may be about letting go and dropping into a more 'real and honest' space.

Growing up or down isn't easy but it is worthwhile. This kind of growth happens relationally with an experienced coach or if there is some deeper work required with a psychotherapeutic counsellor. If you get closer to your authentic self one things for sure you are going to feel more firmly rooted in who you are, you will definitely become a better leader, parent and friend to others and people will automatically sense they can trust you. When people free themselves up on the inside it automatically propels them in new directions and enables them to shift negative beliefs that have been holding them back. This is the kind of work I love to do with people.

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